That's right folks, a brand spanking new joke topic! So come on by for your daily dose of funnies...
| Q: In the movie, "Lord of the Rings" why does the Ring of Power glow?|
A: Because it gets fingered by the Hobbit.
|Q: What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?|
A: The way they say ahhhh-men.
|A man walked into an ice cream shop...|
Man: I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Would you like something else?
Man: Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor?
Man: Um... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: We don't have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?
Man: I'll have some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the “van” in vanilla?
Scooper: Can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?
Scooper: Can you spell the “fuck” in chocolate?
Man: But there is no “fuck” in chocolate!
Scooper: That's what I've been trying to tell you!
|One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger had to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."|
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"
The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venom."
Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"
Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"
|Q: What does Britney Spears and pepsi have in common?|
A: They both come with plastic jugs!
|Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."|
Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can't."
Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"
A barman was celebrating a re-decoration in his pub, and so decided that whoever can tell him the number of letters in the alphabet gets a free drink.
One man goes in and the barman asks, "how many letters are there in the alphabet?"
The guy answers, "26"
And, true to his word, the barman gives him a free drink
A second man then walks in, and the barman asks, "for a free drink, how many letters are there in the alphabet?"
the man answers, "26"
So he gets a free drink too
Then, a third man comes in, and the barman asks the same question as before, the guy answers, "24"
Slightly bewildered, the barman says, "lets start again, how many letters are there in the alphabet?"
the guy gives the same reply of "24"
Totally confused, the barman asks why he keeps coming up with 24. The guy answers, "cos i just blew up B&Q!"
A military aircraft was starting to lose control, and the pilot said that there was to much load on the plane
Pilot: Throw off some weaponary!
so the other guys in there threw out some small guns
the plane still wasnt in control
Pilot: that didnt work, throw off more!
so the other guys did
this still didnt work
Pilot: OK, chuck off those things in the corner!
so they did
after they had landed, they went for a drink in a bar
as they were walking along the path, they found a boy crying
Guy 1: Are you ok? Whats wrong
Boy: I just came out of the front door and a gun hit me right on my head!
Feeling slightly guilty, they moved on. It wasnt long before they came up to a second boy, also crying
Guy 2: Whats wrong, kid?
Boy: I was just playing out here when a rifle smacked me on the shoulder!
Feeling horrible, they moved on. Soon, they encountered another boy, who had singed clothes but was laughing histericly(sp.?)
Guy 1: Whats so funny, look at you, youre all burnt!
Boy: Well, my dad just farted and the house blew up!!!!
|If a light sleeper can't sleep with a light on, can a hard sleeper sleep with a hard on?|
|Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?|
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
|Q: What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?|
A: One is a good year and the other is a great year.
|A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.|
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."
The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."
The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."
The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."
The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
The man says, "A Bud Light please."
The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"
The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
|Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"|
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
|"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"|
|A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" |
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
|A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."|
|Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave.|
|You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?|
|Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.|
|Q: What's the point of a weed wacker? A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!|
|A: stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!|
|Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"|
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
|A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.|
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."
|There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.|
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
|What Did The Farmer Who Lost His Sheep Say? Where Are My Sheep|
| A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."|
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
|Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hands under her skirt?|
|A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.|
The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
| Q: Why is sex like snow?|
A: You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.
|Nancy and George both lived in the old folks home, and every friday |
night, George snuck out of his room into Nancy's and they had sex.
But one night George didn't turn up, and Nancy was very worried, so she asked George at breakfast the next morning where he was the night before.
"I was with Mary last night" he replied
"And what does Mary have that I don't, George?"
|why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side|
|Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?|
A. Wiped his ass.
|Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?|
A. Cunt Stubble
|Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?|
A. An itchy cock.
|Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?|
A. The captains log.
|QUOTE (catnip @ Oct 11 2004, 08:10 AM)|
|QUOTE (franny @ Oct 11 2004, 05:43 PM)|
| this just happened to me |
one of those telesales people phoned us up and goes can i speak to the phone bill payer i go we don't have a phone they go what you talking about i say well we have no phone they they go what are you talking on then i go a banana what do you think then he goes how can you be talking on a banana then i started singing that ring,ring,ring banana song
and they got pissed off and swore at me and i asked there name they said they won't tell then we started arguning and i go i don't see your name on it then he cut off
|An Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman were walking along when they came to a magic slide. There was a sign explaining it and so they went on the slide (you dont need to know what the sign said)|
So the englishman went down the slide and shouted "GOLD!", and he landed in a pot of gold
The scotsman went down and shouted "SILVER" and he landed in a chest full of silver.
Then the Irishman went down and went "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!11one!!1" and.......well, you can guess what happened....
|A man came to a doctor, with a golf club around his neck, and he could hardly breathe. The doctor asked him why he had that arounfdhis neck. He just said please take it away. When it was taken away, the man told the story. He and his wife was out playing golf. The wife hit the golf ball so hard that it went far away, and I said I was 100% sure it went into a cow's ass. So we went walking towards the cows where the ball had landed, and when we came to the first cow, the I lifted the cow's tail, and said: "Darling, this looks like your's!"|
|A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"|
|What are the 3 biggest lies of a Wyoming Cowboy?|
1. I won this belt buckle.
2. The truck is paid for.
3. I was just trying to help the sheep over the fence.
|Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?|
A: A dictater.
|One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the hell was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"|
|Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?|
A: "See you next month"
|The Creation of a Pussy|
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
|Q. What do a Rubik cube and a penis have in common?|
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
|Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?|
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
|QUOTE (Retardo @ Oct 11 2004, 05:22 PM)|
| Whats the difference between Gill Dandow and Daz?????????|
Daz past the door step challenge.
|QUOTE (Retardo @ Oct 11 2004, 05:22 PM)|
| Whats the difference between Gill Dandow and Daz?????????|
Daz past the door step challenge.
|like the one about the jews someone said above|
What is the difference between a Jew and a Pizza,
The Pizza doesnt scream in the oven
|QUOTE (7halo @ Oct 15 2004, 09:50 AM)|
Haha, I heard one like this, but I gotta throw in a disclaimer first...
DISCLAIMER: I'm not racist in anyway and it was one of my black friends that even told me this joke. Don't take it to heart and don't think that I'm out trying to troll. It's just a joke.
What's the difference between a nigger and a pizza?
A Pizza can feed a family of four.
|QUOTE (Cyrill @ Oct 15 2004, 11:01 AM)|
| Q: y do the navy use liquid soap?|
A: it takes longer to pick up
|2 neighbor kids, a little boy, Jonny, and a little girl, Jennie, and they were always picking on each other by saying, "My dad can beat up you dad," etc. |
One day they are outside playing, and Jonny says, "Hey, Jennie, come here."
Jennie skips over and asks, "What do you want?"
Jonny replys, "I talked to my big brother yesterday and he said," as he pulled down his pant, "that I have one of these and you don't!"
Jennie was speechless and ran home crying.
The next day Jennie says, "Hey, Jonny, come here."
Jonny walks over laughing. "Yea?"
Jennie said, "I told my mom what you said to me yesterday, and she said," as she pulls down her pants, "that I have one of these and you dont! BUT... with one of these I can get as many of those as I want!"
Did you ever wonder...
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If people from Poland are called "Poles" why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's?"
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking how people seem to read the Bible more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail!?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
|Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" |
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
|What do you call a blonde standing on her head? |
A brunette with bad breath.
|Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. |
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
|QUOTE (deko7291 @ Oct 16 2004, 03:14 PM)|
|QUOTE (Destruction-Overdrive @ Oct 20 2004, 06:13 PM)|
| they got a new system of sizes for condoms|
they are listed as the following: