IPB

Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

27 Pages V   1 2 3 > »   
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Make Me Laugh
Bluntman & C...
post Sep 28 2004, 06:45 PM
Post #1


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 25-August 04
From: West Central Florida, USA
Member No.: 1,164



That's right folks, a brand spanking new joke topic! So come on by for your daily dose of funnies...

QUOTE
Q: In the movie, "Lord of the Rings" why does the Ring of Power glow?
A: Because it gets fingered by the Hobbit.

QUOTE
Q: What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
A: The way they say ahhhh-men.

QUOTE
A man walked into an ice cream shop...

Man: I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Would you like something else?

Man: Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor?

Man: Um... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: We don't have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?

Man: I'll have some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the “van” in vanilla?

Man: V-A-N.
Scooper: Can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?

Man: S-T-R-A-W.

Scooper: Can you spell the “fuck” in chocolate?

Man: But there is no “fuck” in chocolate!

Scooper: That's what I've been trying to tell you!

QUOTE
One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger had to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venom."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

QUOTE
Q: What does Britney Spears and pepsi have in common?
A: They both come with plastic jugs!

QUOTE
Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."

Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."

The first girl said, "I can't."

Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"

The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"


--------------------
IPB Image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
FuddMan
post Sep 28 2004, 07:05 PM
Post #2


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 28-August 04
From: Maidstone, England
Member No.: 1,351




QUOTE

A barman was celebrating a re-decoration in his pub, and so decided that whoever can tell him the number of letters in the alphabet gets a free drink.

One man goes in and the barman asks, "how many letters are there in the alphabet?"

The guy answers, "26"

And, true to his word, the barman gives him a free drink

A second man then walks in, and the barman asks, "for a free drink, how many letters are there in the alphabet?"

the man answers, "26"

So he gets a free drink too

Then, a third man comes in, and the barman asks the same question as before, the guy answers, "24"

Slightly bewildered, the barman says, "lets start again, how many letters are there in the alphabet?"

the guy gives the same reply of "24"

Totally confused, the barman asks why he keeps coming up with 24. The guy answers, "cos i just blew up B&Q!"



QUOTE

A military aircraft was starting to lose control, and the pilot said that there was to much load on the plane


Pilot: Throw off some weaponary!

so the other guys in there threw out some small guns

the plane still wasnt in control

Pilot: that didnt work, throw off more!

so the other guys did

this still didnt work

Pilot: OK, chuck off those things in the corner!

so they did

after they had landed, they went for a drink in a bar

as they were walking along the path, they found a boy crying

Guy 1: Are you ok? Whats wrong

Boy: I just came out of the front door and a gun hit me right on my head!

Feeling slightly guilty, they moved on. It wasnt long before they came up to a second boy, also crying

Guy 2: Whats wrong, kid?

Boy: I was just playing out here when a rifle smacked me on the shoulder!

Feeling horrible, they moved on. Soon, they encountered another boy, who had singed clothes but was laughing histericly(sp.?)

Guy 1: Whats so funny, look at you, youre all burnt!

Boy: Well, my dad just farted and the house blew up!!!!


--------------------
QUOTE (Psy)
Well, I must be honest, I do occasionally have the odd night off where I stick my fingers in as many pussy's as I can
php stands for psy humping pussy


zomg it's DuffMan's clone.
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Zacko
post Sep 28 2004, 08:14 PM
Post #3


Vandal
Group Icon

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 70
Joined: 4-July 06
From: Cornwall, land of the pikeys.
Member No.: 54



LMAO great...


--------------------
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Bluntman & C...
post Sep 28 2004, 08:26 PM
Post #4


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 25-August 04
From: West Central Florida, USA
Member No.: 1,164



QUOTE
If a light sleeper can't sleep with a light on, can a hard sleeper sleep with a hard on?

QUOTE
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

QUOTE
Q: What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One is a good year and the other is a great year.

QUOTE
A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."

The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

QUOTE
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

  "I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."

    He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"

  "No, I'm Bubbles."


--------------------
IPB Image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Edgecrusher
post Sep 28 2004, 08:34 PM
Post #5


Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
Group Icon

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 213
Joined: 3-August 04
From: UK
Member No.: 480
PSN Name: JonnyCanonFodder



QUOTE
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"


QUOTE
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."


QUOTE
A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."


QUOTE
Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave.


QUOTE
You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?


QUOTE
Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.


QUOTE
Q: What's the point of a weed wacker? A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!


QUOTE
A: stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!






--------------------
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Bluntman & C...
post Oct 1 2004, 07:24 PM
Post #6


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 25-August 04
From: West Central Florida, USA
Member No.: 1,164



QUOTE
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

QUOTE
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.

A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."

QUOTE
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."


--------------------
IPB Image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
DJ-Invert
post Oct 3 2004, 04:15 PM
Post #7


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 25-August 04
From: West Sussex, UK
Member No.: 1,153



QUOTE
What Did The Farmer Who Lost His Sheep Say?   Where Are My Sheep



--------------------
user posted image
user posted imageuser posted image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
mcchicken89
post Oct 4 2004, 02:13 AM
Post #8


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 3-August 04
From: Los Venturra, San Andreas
Member No.: 400



roflmao, that was the best joke eva!

Why did the guy fall off his bike?
Cos some1 threw a fridge at him!

Please don't double post. - Edgecrusher
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Bluntman & C...
post Oct 4 2004, 04:06 PM
Post #9


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 25-August 04
From: West Central Florida, USA
Member No.: 1,164



QUOTE
    A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

    The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

    The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

    The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

    There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

    The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,  asshole!"

QUOTE
Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hands under her skirt?
A: Self-employed.

QUOTE
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.

The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

QUOTE
Q: Why is sex like snow?
A: You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.


--------------------
IPB Image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
DJ-Invert
post Oct 6 2004, 07:16 PM
Post #10


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 25-August 04
From: West Sussex, UK
Member No.: 1,153



Why Did The Alien Cry?
Because He Burnt His Toast


--------------------
user posted image
user posted imageuser posted image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Passionate Homo ...
post Oct 9 2004, 03:54 AM
Post #11


Scam Artist
Group Icon

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 222
Joined: 2-August 04
From: Between the Ritz and the Rubble
Member No.: 15



QUOTE
Nancy and George both lived in the old folks home, and every friday

night, George snuck out of his room into Nancy's and they had sex.

But one night George didn't turn up, and Nancy was very worried, so she asked George at breakfast the next morning where he was the night before.

"I was with Mary last night" he replied

"And what does Mary have that I don't, George?"

"Parkinsons"


--------------------

QUOTE(LMOZ)
drive carfuly,because every secend a shrak can teleport itself to your car, and try to drive your car (if you have one) with shark in it.
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
BigBirdIsPunk
post Oct 11 2004, 06:46 AM
Post #12


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 17-September 04
From: Georgia
Member No.: 1,749



heres a good one
QUOTE
why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side

HAHAHAHAHA I LOVE THAT JOKE ROFL!!!!!!!!! I JUST PISSED MYSELF


--------------------
user posted image
user posted image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Catnip
post Oct 11 2004, 11:10 AM
Post #13


Upstanding Citizen
Group Icon

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 0
Joined: 28-September 04
From: Sydney, Australia
Member No.: 2,023



QUOTE
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.


QUOTE
Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cunt Stubble


QUOTE
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.


QUOTE
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Bluntman & C...
post Oct 11 2004, 12:23 PM
Post #14


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 25-August 04
From: West Central Florida, USA
Member No.: 1,164



QUOTE (catnip @ Oct 11 2004, 08:10 AM)
QUOTE
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.


QUOTE
Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. Cunt Stubble


QUOTE
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.


QUOTE
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

ROTF LMFAO!

Q: What do the U.S.S. Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus in search of Klingon's.


--------------------
IPB Image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Retardo
post Oct 11 2004, 04:22 PM
Post #15


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 4-August 04
From: Leeds
Member No.: 609



Whats the difference between Gill Dandow and Daz?????????

Daz past the door step challenge.





--------------------

"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition"
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Fran
post Oct 11 2004, 04:43 PM
Post #16


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 2
Joined: 4-August 04
From: Bristol
Member No.: 586



this just happened to me

one of those telesales people phoned us up and goes can i speak to the phone bill payer i go we don't have a phone they go what you talking about i say well we have no phone they they go what are you talking on then i go a banana what do you think then he goes how can you be talking on a banana then i started singing that ring,ring,ring banana song
and they got pissed off and swore at me and i asked there name they said they won't tell then we started arguning and i go i don't see your name on it then he cut off


--------------------
The Artist Formally Known As Fran!
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
FuddMan
post Oct 11 2004, 05:32 PM
Post #17


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 28-August 04
From: Maidstone, England
Member No.: 1,351



QUOTE (franny @ Oct 11 2004, 05:43 PM)
this just happened to me

one of those telesales people phoned us up and goes can i speak to the phone bill payer i go we don't have a phone they go what you talking about i say well we have no phone they they go what are you talking on then i go a banana what do you think then he goes how can you be talking on a banana then i started singing that ring,ring,ring banana song
and they got pissed off and  swore at  me and i asked there name they said they won't tell then we started arguning and i go i don't see your name on it then he cut off

if thats true thats funny, maybe i should do that...

anyway, my j/k

QUOTE
An Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman were walking along when they came to a magic slide. There was a sign explaining it and so they went on the slide (you dont need to know what the sign said)

So the englishman went down the slide and shouted "GOLD!", and he landed in a pot of gold

The scotsman went down and shouted "SILVER" and he landed in a chest full of silver.

Then the Irishman went down and went "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!11one!!1" and.......well, you can guess what happened....


i love that joke i never forget it


--------------------
QUOTE (Psy)
Well, I must be honest, I do occasionally have the odd night off where I stick my fingers in as many pussy's as I can
php stands for psy humping pussy


zomg it's DuffMan's clone.
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Fran
post Oct 11 2004, 06:12 PM
Post #18


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 2
Joined: 4-August 04
From: Bristol
Member No.: 586



i started laughing today when someone said undercooked bread and i couldn't stop laughing for 5mins


--------------------
The Artist Formally Known As Fran!
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Mr. Thunderfield
post Oct 11 2004, 06:40 PM
Post #19


Upstanding Citizen


Group: Members
Posts: 0
Joined: 21-August 04
From: Not where you are.
Member No.: 918



QUOTE
A man came to a doctor, with a golf club around his neck, and he could hardly breathe. The doctor asked him why he had that arounfdhis neck. He just said please take it away. When it was taken away, the man told the story. He and his wife was out playing golf. The wife hit the golf ball so hard that it went far away, and I said I was 100% sure it went into a cow's ass. So we went walking towards the cows where the ball had landed, and when we came to the first cow, the I lifted the cow's tail, and said: "Darling, this looks like your's!"
laugh.gif laugh.gif


--------------------
IPB Image
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Catnip
post Oct 12 2004, 11:43 AM
Post #20


Upstanding Citizen
Group Icon

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 0
Joined: 28-September 04
From: Sydney, Australia
Member No.: 2,023



QUOTE
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"
QUOTE
What are the 3 biggest lies of a Wyoming Cowboy?

1. I won this belt buckle.
2. The truck is paid for.
3. I was just trying to help the sheep over the fence.

QUOTE
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dictater.
QUOTE
One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the hell was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"
QUOTE
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: "See you next month"
QUOTE
The Creation of a Pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
QUOTE
Q. What do a Rubik cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
QUOTE
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Achievements
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

27 Pages V   1 2 3 > » 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 



Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 22nd September 2014 - 02:14 PM

GTA 5 | GTA San Andreas | Red Dead Redemption | GTA 4